2013-The Year of Caroline

If 2012 was the year of confusion and loss, than 2013 was the year of the better-off Caroline! 2012 was a difficult year for me as I had both Pneumonia and Lyme antibodies that were causing me to act differently also along with goodbyes (what I thought I wanted, but chose not to want to save many people including myself from pain and losing friends). Although these two things were difficult, I had no idea just how horrible 2012 would wind up being, in late October Allie(the cutest and the BEST dog ever) died.

2013 started out rocky for me, but it turned out to be a wonderful year for me! Once again Veronica Mars saved my life.

I should probably go back to how VM saved me in the beginning. I first discovered the show with my sister on our spring break in 2007 (I was turning 13 in a few weeks) after lying on the couch for the entire weekend due to being sick. Veronica, even though she is a fictional character is somebody who I want to be because of her endearing and loving, but at the same time I will get revenge on you and you will regret it attitude.
In 8th grade I got stuck on a team with three girls (who I was friends with in 7th grade) that I no longer wanted to be friends with because I was a thousand times classier than they were. If being stuck on the same team as they were, wasn't bad enough half way through the year one of the girls was also in my gym class (thank you guidance counselor for knowing my hatred for being stuck on a team with these girls who I no longer wanted to be friends with and sticking them in the same gym class as me). So yeah, Veronica saved my life in 8th grade because I kept thinking about her....if she could lose her best friend, her mother walking out on her family, her dad losing his job as sheriff, her ex-boyfriend being her potential brother, being raped, no longer being in the 09er class I think I would be okay because well my dad still had a job, I wasn't dating anyone that could possibly be my brother, and well I was never raped. And I even took Veronica's advice and got tough.
Freshman Year was a million times better as I had zero classes with any of these girls and I even became friends with a few other girls who I actually wanted to be around. At the end of this year I met two guys and well even started to like one of them because well he was/is hilarious, made me feel beautiful at a time where I felt less than beautiful because well PCOS and not being on any medicine not the best combination. Anyway than the friend may or may not have did something that I didn't really approve of, but I kept liking the guy's friend because he was/is the nicest guy that I have ever met(and maybe still want a future with him thanks to my lovely family who loves Michigan). In junior year, 2012 for me as I explained it was all about losing and being confused.

And now 2013....so on March 13th it was announced that Veronica would be coming back. from March on I have greatly enjoyed receiving emails about this project because this show is probably in my top five favorite shows of all time! Also, I now realize that I enjoy being an "only"  child (I love you, Rebecca), but it is extremely fun getting to choose what to do. I also switched up the way that I did school, taken  college one day at a time, and had a lot of fun, and had amazing trips and food (I love you Founding Farmers)! Oh, yeah and driving more and discovering new bands (icona pop=BEST BAND EVER), oh and Ray Charles (the second cutest puppy ever)!

yeah, so 2013 was a pretty amazing year and I have a feeling 2014 will continue to be a fabulous year, after all I am turning 20 and The Veronica Mars Movie is coming out too and how can you not love this: http://vimeo.com/77887266. Ahhh, LoVe and Ryan Hansen never ever change, you are AMZING!

Christmas 2011

Christmas.... I'll never forget how you would think every present was for you. Like on your last christmas you waited for two hours to open up two presents, but i guess it's those memories that will last a lifetime. Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas and get lots of presents oh yeah and eat a ton of cake. Also thank you for everything, if you played a role in it at all!  Merry Christmas and love you! Oh yeah and today is the 25th, so you know once again I'm sure you are telling everyone to give you many gifts and an extra cake just for you! Also: Love. Be Merry and Bright. Laugh and Live.

You're Wrong and I'm Right

I hate it when anyone says I'm not doing things in the right way, just SHUT THE F UP, I have way more class and substance than anyone, so with that being said, I think I am awesome and everybody else have to come join me up on my level, meaning that I am above everyone else.
Why am I above everyone else, because no one else seems to have the style, charisma, and intellect that I have. So basically what I'm trying to say here is that everyone basically should get on my level, because they look stupid otherwise.

Allie,
As of Today, it has been exactly a year since we've seen you!
Since the five of us had only 15 or so minutes with you, I just wanted to tell you a few things that I didn't have time to tell you.
First off, Thank You for greeting us at the door and showing us that you were still you---so sweet and loving, and hungry. It was like you came back to us!

Secondly, after mom and dad came back from the vet, they told us that you took your last treat from mom. Thanks for you know, eating the treat!
Thirdly, Thank You for being the best dog, someone could ever hope to have. I would only be so lucky if I get to experience that kind of love again.
Fourthly, (Oh, Oh) I love you so!
I love you as big as the world,

Caroline
PS.
Also if I do say so myself, even though you were dying, you look beautiful and extremely happy (probably because of the people food)!

A year ago...

Allie-
Today is October 24, 2013, which means that tomorrow is THE 25th. A year ago, I woke up crying and begging mom to let me stay home to help her take you to the vet. Thinking that you had hurt your paw---some simple thing that could be fixed with a course of antibiotics or cream and that in a few days you would be better. The problem was, instead we found out you had Congestive Heart Failure. The vet handed mom thousands of pills, ok fine maybe not that many, but many more pills than I was expecting that we would get that day. Mom and I spent the rest of the night fitfully sleeping and I was just praying to God that you would live just a few more hours until Rebecca could come home.
until tomorrow,
Caroline

Yeah for Kicking People out of Their Houses...

12 years....
New Schools
Birthdays
Becoming an adult
Painting
learning how to play the piano
driving 
becoming an addict to my tv shows
Albals
Discovering new blogs (thanks People!)
The Coma Blanket, Oprah, the Action News Song, and our office
the color tan
new tan carpeting
Penang....
college
Awesome Neighbors
laughter
crying
love
and goodbyes...
I knew before we even moved in that I could picture living here, and I can't picture experiencing all of these memories anywhere but here.

Our House was never officially on the market, we kind of just told the lady we wanted her house as she was thinking about selling and the rest was history.

Moons

Every time I look at the moon I think of her. This is what the moon looked like when she left. 5

EvEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee EvE

Inspirational

Happy Birthday Liz! Even though we never met, I feel like I know you after reading about your life with Matt. You are and always will be an inspiration to me, how I want to live my married life when I do get married. You were cool when you were here on earth and I'm sure you are still really cool! Keep on being you!
Love stranger friend, Caroline

Time keeps on Slipping...

Dear Allie,

Earlier I was thinking how last year around this time I went back to HS. Even though the year went not how I wanted it to turn out, I'm glad that I gave you a few more morning car rides. Sometimes when riding in the passenger seat of the Acadia I think of you how you would be sitting in the back seat almost like a curious toddler staring out the window looking at all the sights that you could take in. I miss those car rides. Now I know that you got really sick, but a thought just popped into my head maybe the reason why I didn't want to go back was because you were no longer there to drop me off at school.

Love,

Caroline

It's coming

Soon it will be September, then the following month it will be October. I'm not really ready to face the 25th, but I can not stop it from occurring. All I can do is dream about her. It was really nice a few weeks ago I had a dream, it was like it was my old reality. Music, walking, Allie, but Allie was her normal self and for that one night this summer, I got to enjoy another summer walk with her. So, Allie if you somehow play a role when visiting me in my dreams, thank you and I miss those summer evenings with you too!

But it's not just a clicker

It's about making me happy and showing me love why my dad took a chance purchasing me a clicker for our 13 year old van that is on it's last legs. That is why my dad is the best (Mom too!)

Love Always,

Caroline

Another month

Today it has been nine months since you have died.
I still love you and think about you a lot.

Love you always,

Caroline

Family Vacation and thinking about Him

Right now I'm visiting my moms side of the family they live close to Detroit Michigan which is close to Ann Arbor where the last person that I liked goes to school. Let me tell you it kind of fucking sucks when a place that you have been going almost every single year of your entire life is taken over by uncomfortable memories. I'll give him credit though because I know it was not him and that he is actually a really nice person, but the timing of when I met him and the other person was at the exact same minute. They were friends. They are both Chinese. And I had maybe liked them both at the same time for about eleven months. Than the friend might have done something that I was not really thrilled to hear about. My feelings for the friend ended that night and I thought I would be ok going on with my life. I wasn't. Every time I even looked at him I thought about the friend and how I wanted the person that I liked to just give up on that friendship. Problem was he was oblivious to what was going on and it certainly didn't help that he was the nicest guy on the face of the planet and extremely cute. I couldn't handle it. I actually had a dream that my sister and I were in a park both guys were there and the friend shot my sister after telling him that she knew. That was the end of everything. But I guess the problem is that my ex crush and I both are from the same town and we both go to the same places to eat. Is it really too much to ask that I really just want one place where I can get away from thinking about any of this. I'm over all of it. I really don't care if I ever run into him around town or in Ann Arbor, but at the same time I would prefer if I could just enjoy this vacation and not be thinking about him.and plus this is technically my territory as I did discover Ann Arbor like 17 years before him. All I truly want is a place that doesn't remind me of all of this.

Question

What will you do now.
Although my life is going along fairly smoothly, the one year of Allie's death( how did that happen?) is coming up in four months. I know I'm going to start college what not and hopefully in the near future have a job and live by myself, but I have no clue how to keep living without her for the rest of my life.

I Was Ready

I was ready to see my dog's ashes yesterday, so I got the box down, took out the gold tin that her remains are in and sat there for 15 minutes preparing myself for what I was going to see.
At first I opened up the tin a crack. and I saw a bag in there. No big deal, right? I finally was brave enough to open the tin all the way and I am not kidding my dog (the greatest dog ever) remains were placed in something that resembled a poop bag or a garbage bag and I still have yet to see her remains. Do the vets really think it is ok to put people's pets ashes in a garbage bag? One of the reasons I was so big on getting Allie's ashes were that I did not want her ashes to go to a landfill, but I guess either way her ashes were going in a garbage bag. And now I have to prepare myself for looking at her ashes again. But I think it will be alright in the end because I know after doing it I will feel better about myself....kind of like I'm not afraid anything that have to do with Allie and that her remains are no longer in a bag.
So Allie, I'm sorry it took me eight months to look in the tin, but you will not be in a garbage bag for much longer because you deserve a much better place to rest.
Love you always!

In my mind

In my mind you are still a important part of our family and maybe it's because I love knowing that you will never leave our side at both the good times and the bad times. or maybe it's because I still want you to be apart of our family even though you are no longer here physically. It's too hard for me not to see the no Allie name scribbled on a card. I don't feel comfortable because too me you are so close, but yet so far away from us and also I will always want you to be apart of our family since you made a huge impact on me.

The Dogs I want to meet when I go to Heaven...

1. My dog Allie....I want her to be the first thing I see when I go to Heaven. I want to hear what her voice sounds like after wondering what her voice sounded like for so long and to hear what her thoughts on everything in life and to hear her say I love you.

2. Shasta Sweet Surrender(Ren)-Allie's mom. I want to thank Ren for giving me a wonderful sister and for looking out for Allie for us.

3. Clark- Allie's dog dad. I also want to thank him for giving me a beautiful girl to love on! Without him and Ren, she wouldn't have ever lived.

4. Lady- my mom's dog growing up. I want to meet my mom's dog sister.

5. Cappy- one of my dad's dog. I want  to meet Cappy becuase he was my dad's dog.

6. Annie- my dad's other dog. Same as above.

7. Katie- my cousins dog. Just to see how she turned out and to talk to her too.

Seven Months

Well as of today it has been 7 months seen we've seen each other. The other night I was thinking if you ever thought about us. If you do, I hope you realize that we always loved/love you like our own, but I'm sure you found out that you had two other parents and seven other siblings. I'm not really sure how you feel about all of this...but just know that we are your family too. My piano recital is coming up soon. I wish you could hear me play my last songs. I remember when I first started playing that you would sit on the chouch. I loved that. Speaking about my piano recital, that means that summer is almost here which means that this is the first summer since forever that we won't be going on our daily walks. I miss those walks with you.
Love you until the day I die,
Caroline

so little

the note was scribbled onto a piece of a hotel paper wishing her a good school year. She probably was going to throw it away eventually, but after you went and left us she saved it because of your name and i'm so glad she did because that note it was one of the last times i signed your name for you when you were still here.

19

well.... i am officially 19 or almost.
All I want for my birthday is to see,
get to spend one more day with you. I wish that I would have known that last year was going to be my last birthday with you because if I had known I would have let you open every last present and eaten way too much of my birthday cake. Maybe as a birthday gift, you could visit me in my dreams tonight? Well anyway, 19 please be good to me because 18 was kind of rough to me. It can only get better from here on out. Oh and cheers to a new year!

3/22/03

10 years ago today was the day that my life changed for the better. I met the most beautiful, caring, and loving puppy a girl could ever ask for. Because of you I now know how to truly love an animal with all  of my heart! I never would have pictured that 10 years later you would no longer be in the next room or that we could no longer go on our walks, but I am beyond grateful that we found each other to live with and that we could love each other in the way that we did. March 22, 2003 is the best day of my life as that was the day that I met you. I love you Shasta Allie Grace Fuger!

the 25th

Shit it's the 25th. Gosh I hate the 25th. If only we could just skip all of these 25ths. I hate that another month went by without me seeing your beautiful face. I love you forever and always Allie!

Love,
Caroline

2000

2000 pageviews that is! As always thanks for reading my blog. It is always appreciated. 

Hair

Hair. I hate it. I hate the taste of it. However, with you I could always look past the hair and see and kiss something that was real....you. I loved everything about you, even your hair. I couldn't care if your hair got in my mouth because you were so hairy, but it was impossible not to love your ball of fur. I just wish I could kiss your hair one more time.

Happy Birthday Allie!

Happy 10th Birthday Allie!

Well I bet you are having a nice huge slice of birthday cake up in heaven with Luke, Katie, Lady, Cappy, and Annie, and of course Ren and Clark. I hope you have the best birthday ever, knowing that your family is thinking about you today. Also I hope someone up in heaven is able to take you out for a walk since that is our yearly tradition (I hope you know that I would take you for a walk if I could). You were the best dog a girl could have ever wished for! We had a good nine and a half years together! These are some of my favorite pictures of you from over the years!  I love you forever and always!