where to begin?

serendipitous--occurring or discovered by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

This is the one word that I think of when I think to describe my life. 

I have always wanted to attend college at the University of Delaware since I was 15. With all of my hard work that dream came true. I am loving it!

However, a few months (weeks?) before you died mom and I drove through the college and again I feel in love with the campus!

Then my world came crashing down again. You dying suddenly was one of them. I missed you. 

However, since you have died I have had countless dreams of you. You are always on my mind and in my heart forever.
becoming a family of five was very serendipitous because you were supposed to go to another family. I was heartbroken. I didn't even know I wanted you--but I just had to have you. As luck would have it that couple became pregnant with a baby and you became available to us. You were officially ours. You thus became Allie. 

I know you are one of the reasons why I am where I am today. You have helped me to be a better person.

A few days ago, March 22 was the 13th anniversary of when I first met you. I cannot believe that I am quite that old. I need wine, chocolate, and tissues! You changed me forever. You taught me how to live life to the fullest! you were the best dog/ sister ever! From the moment I laid eyes on you I feel in  love with you. Your brown eyes and floppy ears were a killer! I will always cherish the laughter, memories and love we shared. Even though that you are no longer here, you will always be apart of my life, in my dreams, memories, and love for you. 

growth and gain

I don't really know what to say, but I'm going to write this because I can get my feelings out of me through this blog. first let me just say that I am super proud of myself. I accomplished a lot this summer and not only did I improve myself, but I went to Michigan this summer(twice in fact). I know that I have been going to Michigan almost every year since I, but still I accomplished it in a different way and I hope I can still go there and be free.
This summer I have accomplished a lot. I used to be a runner. I ran from my life when it became too difficult to handle. I will admit I felt bad, but in hindsight it takes two to tango. I will admit through everything that has happened I have always wanted to be in control. And I was, until I wasn't. I had to find a way to take back the control and my power. I thought I wanted to stay the course, but through it all I realize that I Cannot run away from this life. It is both here and there and maybe that is okay. Maybe this was supposed to teach me that I have to face my fears and own up to my faults. This summer I feel like I have been doing exactly that. I have spent time both here and there too. Maybe when the time comes it will be just that. Me owning myself and facing whatever I need to face. I know when it happens I will be prepared because I have been expecting it.
No matter what I am proud of all that I have done this summer. I may no longer be a runner, but i have finished my marathon.

a letter...

Hi Caroline---
you and I don't know what your very near future looks like. But you should (and are proud of yourself). In just two very short years you have accomplished a lot. In these past two years--and even almost three years you have grown and learned a lot about yourself and the world. To start with you realized what you like and dislike and are very good at accomplishing your goals. You came to realize that you enjoy learning and are loving working towards a goal....Never stop setting goals for yourself!  you have learned to be independent with your work and have learned how to ask for help when you need it. After this semester you will have more than 60 credits towards a degree (that is major---no pun intended)!  You haven't been to therapy in over a year. This past year you are learning how to cope and manage your stress and disappointments when they become too much for you.  In the past few months you have seen doctors and actually showing up to your appointments that you had been putting off. You are doing a wonderful job. Always remember this time as a time of learning and achieving. Be proud of yourself. You will reach those goals one way or another.

A letter to Chloe

Dear Chloe,

As a long time KUWTK Fan, I can honestly say that you Fucked up. Yes, Scott is accountable for his actions too, but he has been through a lot and clearly is in pain from the past few years. Scott is struggling. He has an illness. As a woman who was hanging out with a father of three and a person who had a highly public relationship with the mother of his children you should have known better than to hang out with Scott and let him touch you in a romantic way. Scott needs help. I know you may have thought you were helping him by giving him "Comfort" as Don Draper would famously say, but let's be real here: you knowingly ruined a family. As you probably know the Kardashians have been Scott's family for almost a decade. He needs the help and support of a family and his children during this difficult and troubling time that he is going through. You just created more problems for Scott. Next time think harder about your actions and get your friend help.

---Caroline

Twelve

Once again it's your birthday. You would be twelve...that really makes me feel old. Hope you are having way too much cake and got to open way too many presents!! I recently read somewhere that the number five means grace which I find to be very awesome because each of your names Allie Grace Fuger consists of five letters and hello your middle name is grace! As always I love you to the moon and back.

I'm crazy....in a good way.

I'm crazy.
After all I have been through over the past few years I learned what I want.
So, I know going to college is important for me.
Maybe that is why I signed up for:
Three morning classes. All. Right. In. A. Row. And wait for it....the first class starts at 7:30 am. I might be setting multiple alarms, but I know I will conquer anything that I need to do for myself. This semester, I will be going to college for three days a week. So I will have a four day weekend. I think it is because I want to make sure I can have some crazy fun weekends. In New Jersey and if we have to take a short trip to Michigan, I can hopefully pull that off too. After all family is the most important thing in the world and having steamy, drunken sex too. Or maybe just having sushi. We'll see about the sex.


Side note: Drunken Donuts should be a real place where they sell alcohol and donuts or cake.