Another month

Today it has been nine months since you have died.
I still love you and think about you a lot.

Love you always,

Caroline

Family Vacation and thinking about Him

Right now I'm visiting my moms side of the family they live close to Detroit Michigan which is close to Ann Arbor where the last person that I liked goes to school. Let me tell you it kind of fucking sucks when a place that you have been going almost every single year of your entire life is taken over by uncomfortable memories. I'll give him credit though because I know it was not him and that he is actually a really nice person, but the timing of when I met him and the other person was at the exact same minute. They were friends. They are both Chinese. And I had maybe liked them both at the same time for about eleven months. Than the friend might have done something that I was not really thrilled to hear about. My feelings for the friend ended that night and I thought I would be ok going on with my life. I wasn't. Every time I even looked at him I thought about the friend and how I wanted the person that I liked to just give up on that friendship. Problem was he was oblivious to what was going on and it certainly didn't help that he was the nicest guy on the face of the planet and extremely cute. I couldn't handle it. I actually had a dream that my sister and I were in a park both guys were there and the friend shot my sister after telling him that she knew. That was the end of everything. But I guess the problem is that my ex crush and I both are from the same town and we both go to the same places to eat. Is it really too much to ask that I really just want one place where I can get away from thinking about any of this. I'm over all of it. I really don't care if I ever run into him around town or in Ann Arbor, but at the same time I would prefer if I could just enjoy this vacation and not be thinking about him.and plus this is technically my territory as I did discover Ann Arbor like 17 years before him. All I truly want is a place that doesn't remind me of all of this.

Question

What will you do now.
Although my life is going along fairly smoothly, the one year of Allie's death( how did that happen?) is coming up in four months. I know I'm going to start college what not and hopefully in the near future have a job and live by myself, but I have no clue how to keep living without her for the rest of my life.

I Was Ready

I was ready to see my dog's ashes yesterday, so I got the box down, took out the gold tin that her remains are in and sat there for 15 minutes preparing myself for what I was going to see.
At first I opened up the tin a crack. and I saw a bag in there. No big deal, right? I finally was brave enough to open the tin all the way and I am not kidding my dog (the greatest dog ever) remains were placed in something that resembled a poop bag or a garbage bag and I still have yet to see her remains. Do the vets really think it is ok to put people's pets ashes in a garbage bag? One of the reasons I was so big on getting Allie's ashes were that I did not want her ashes to go to a landfill, but I guess either way her ashes were going in a garbage bag. And now I have to prepare myself for looking at her ashes again. But I think it will be alright in the end because I know after doing it I will feel better about myself....kind of like I'm not afraid anything that have to do with Allie and that her remains are no longer in a bag.
So Allie, I'm sorry it took me eight months to look in the tin, but you will not be in a garbage bag for much longer because you deserve a much better place to rest.
Love you always!