Difficult Time

Lately I have been having a difficult time in my life. I have been trying to get over what happened. But I keep dreaming about it. Like a few nights ago, I had a dream that my sister and I were sitting at a table in a park and I got up to go see if someone was at this park and I see the guy. I run over to my sister and tell her the guy is here and he comes up and tells us what happened to him. My sister tells him that she already knows about it and then he pulls out a gun. I know that he isn't a bad guy, but I just want to create some distance and forget that anything like this ever happened. I think it's kind of hard to forget about someting when you keep dreaming about it. Last week I had another dream that I saw said guy kissing another guy. Even though I have known about this since April of last year, I guess I never reeally got over his friend who still goes to my school. It's hard because he is a really nice guy. And my friend even said to me that he seems like a nice guy. It's kind of like he's a saint and I'm a bitch and let's not forget I wanted to tell him so many times about how is friend fucked up, so I feel extremely guilty that I ever thought about telling him because I know that it would hurt so many people. I ultimately just want to  forget about this whole situation and moveon from my life. I guess it's a little scary to know that the said guy's other friend wound up taking some time off from school for his mental state and it was related to the exact thing that i'm struugling with.
This month I moved on from the guy that I liked because it wasn't healthy for me to be dealing with all of this pain. I also was saying to myself that I was a mean person because the guy that I like and my parents and sister are nice people, but I feel like a BITCH and then I watched some family videos from when I was younger and it proved to me that I hit the jack pot with my parents and then when I was in health class a few days later I was watching a movie on FAS and it made me realize that these kids have really bad parents, but I have wonderful parents, but I still feel Fucking horrible inside and outside. These last few days I have just been hating myself (with the way that I look and how I am on the inside) I guess all of these things combined just contributed to my mental breakdown and eventually I will forget about what happened.

An Email that I wrote to my mom...

You’re cute about Paul Anderson! Please wait on him for me! I think all of it just got to be too much for me. I was changing my mind about Allen and then I was thinking that I was mean, and then I thought and (I know) that you and dad are really amazing parents and I felt like a horrible daughter, and then I watched the family videos and that totally proved to me that I didn’t deserve such amazing parents as you and dad, and then I watched that movie and the kids were so unlucky because they had horrible parents and then I thought that I feel so crappy inside, but I have a great life and these kids have a pretty bad life. And then I gave up listening to music because it wasn’t helping me feel good and I think I was freaking out that I lost myself and didn’t know myself any more.

I can’t wait to watch Modern Family and the Middle with you tonight!

Love, Caroline

Dreams

Last night I had a dream about the guy that I have feelings for. The guy that I like has many wonderful qualities, he's hilarious. intelligent, kind, and good looking. Back to the dream, in my dream I was on facebook and I saw on my newsfeed that he was in a relationship with a girl that is in one of my class. I freaked out and started crying. It was more of a nightmare than anything, if I was being honest.

Why Blogging?

I wanted to start myvery own blog so that I will remeber what I was doing during my last two years of high school and so that I will be able to one day remeber all the pain I have experienced when I applied to College. I want to show my future kids what I was doing when I was younger. For my future kids I want their lives to be documented-this may seem werid to some people,but I know that most parents do not have anything documented for their children. I want to be a good parent and show my future kids that I recorded every big milestone they reached. I want to remeber the day that I got proposed to and the day that I got married, how I was feeling leading up to every big milestone in my life from graduating from highschool to graduating from college. When I'm in my 90's I would like to have these memories perserved for myself and only for myself!
I enjoy writing for myself and writing about my thoughts and feelings...so it also just makes sense for me to blog about my life!
Caroline

My top 10 Celebrity Crushes!

I like any girl have a list of celebrity guys who I find to be incrediebly hot and I would therefore like to date them!
1. Jason Dohring
2. Rob Kardashian
3. Scott Disick (Yes, I have a thing for the Kardashians, don't judge!)
4. Jason Bateman
5.  Teddy Dunn
6.Kristoffer Polaha
7. Joel Mchale
8.  Kal Penn
9.Ryan Phillippe
10. Percy Daggs III

Home Depot

Today  my dad and I took not  one, but two trips to our local Home Depot because we forgot something that we needed the first time. But I will conquer the hill with my cart!
Caroline

Top 20 Things I would like to do before I Die

I like to make lists of things that I say that I am going to do. It helps me to feel like I have a purpose in my life, like I have something to look foraward to when I'm out of school. It makes me excited for the future and what is to come for me!
1. Visit every state!
2. Tour the Taj Mahal
3. Meet Matt, Liz, and Brooke from Matt, Liz, and Maddy life and death all in 27 hours.
4. Read a book every night for a year!
5. Meet the Duggars from 19 kids and Counting!
6. Attend a taping of Chelsea Handler's Show!
7.  Meet Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring
8. Have three kids of my own (that I give birth to)!
9.Adopt two kids!
10. Shark Cage Dive
11. Jump out of a Plane!
12. Own a mansion that I build all by myself (or pay a builder to build one for me!)
13. Obtain a job at E! News or People Magazine.
14. Meet Joel McHale
15. Own two puppies at once
16. Run a Marathon
17. Meet Jon Hamm (Need I say more?)
18. Get married to my other half!
19. Learn to play the Harp
20. Visit Peru

About Me

This post is going to be the standard get to know me blog. My name is Caroline, I have a nine year old Golden Retriever and a sister who is in college! I am currently in my junior year of high school and 17, soon to be 18! I love to read, write, watch tv, and hang out with my family and friends! I am a celebrity junkie, I love to watch E!, read all the magazines (People, US, and Star) ! I also ready many blogs!  Last year I found out I had PCOS, which I will talk about in a future posts! 
Some of my favorite tv shows are Modern Family, The Middle, Veronica Mars, Friends, Desperate Housewives, and Arrested Development! Some of  my favorite books are Two Kisses for Maddy, The Princess Diaries and Harry Potter! Every year I go to Michigan to visit family! I have a running list in my head of what I want to accomplish before I die and I hope to do every one of them!